canadian assassins are called killergrams
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
This is amazing.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat