Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me: