Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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