@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

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@SequelsWeWant

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

@fro_vo

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

@nickbilton

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

@coryrichardson_

[training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people

@Thunderhunk3000

Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you

@chinchillasaur

[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great