Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.
The steaks have never been higher.
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great