Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

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Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.


[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me


My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.


[training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people


Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.


Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you


[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great