Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

TODAY

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.