Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”