Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.