Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.