Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.