Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

going to bed

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Another day, another…goddammit

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie