Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

My first child will be named New Folder.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops