Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.