Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.