Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

🙂🙃🥹

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.