Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warm pools make me nervous.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

what does he know…

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”