Canadian owl: Eh?
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karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.