Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.