Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

$3 #books

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

Take care of yourself, ladies

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

feetloaf

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

i’m sure it’s fine

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.