Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*