Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Owl Sanctuary
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.