Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.