Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.