Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’m about to risk it all
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that