Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

grandparents are too precious for this world

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools