Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.