@BaldyLockzz

Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

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@trevso_electric

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!

@michaelianblack

Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.

@InternetHippo

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

@Beagz

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

@Jamie1947

*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@causticbob

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

@johnbiehl

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.