“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
How your email finds me
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.