Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler