#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down