#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Who’s ready for Friday?!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.