Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.