Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less