Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful