Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
You Might Also Like
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it