Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
this is a sign that you need a union
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase