Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Well, this certainly took a turn
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean