[canadians at you, canadianly]
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If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Aight bet
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant