[canadians at you, canadianly]
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Found my door mat
My daughter told me she got her boyfriend by approaching him to feel his hoodie, and saying “this feels like boyfriend material” and now I don’t know what to do with this information.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.