Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.