Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

how high up are we talkin’?

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?