Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

being a writer on Twitter:

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.