Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another