Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me