Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
dutch so unserious
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Go girl power!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
