Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?