Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….