Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

The chart results are in…

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*