Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.