Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

umm…

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

estão todos miauvindo?

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.