Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?