canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
You Might Also Like
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
what day is it?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”