Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

life finds a way

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!