canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
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