canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.