canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.