canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
fr
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
March 16
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Ken is short for chicken
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”