CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Sing it!
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
