CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
