Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?