CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Optional boss fight.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party