Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
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Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home