CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
no such thing as a dumb question
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
