Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
