Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
