Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.