Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Okay
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
