Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.