Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.