Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Best spot.. 😅
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
How many? 🤔
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?