*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
You Might Also Like
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
jesus christ confetti not now
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.