Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.