Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

channeling her this year

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’