Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..