Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
