Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
How dude HOW?!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her