Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
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Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“i miss shittin on people”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws