Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Well well well…
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Art by Pastelkatto
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.