Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I just tested negative for patience.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
![]()
In space, no one can hear…
![]()
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.