Candid photo of me, eating chips.
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
stop
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
rise and shine we got egg
