Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

I think about this a lot

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

we’re dead?

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.